Over the last year, I’ve come to a hard truth: you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. And let me tell you - it’s frustrating.

I REALLY struggle with this. If I ever ended up spilling my guts to a therapist, they’d probably trace it back to some unresolved trauma or a deeply buried personal issue I’ve conveniently ignored. Honestly? They’d probably be right.

The Struggle is Real

What makes it worse is that this struggle hits me hardest with people I genuinely care about. Watching someone make choices that practically scream, “This is going to hurt later!” or behave in ways you know will hold them back feels like standing on the shore while they’re treading water. Everything in me wants to dive in and pull them to safety. But if they’re not ready to accept help, you can’t do a damn thing. So instead, I just stand there like an awkward lifeguard on break, watching, yelling in my head, and wringing my metaphorical towel. It’s exhausting. AND IT’S SO DAMN HARD!

Why It Feels So Personal

There's one person who takes this to a whole new level for me. They're younger, and for reasons I can't entirely put into words, I feel this deep care for them - an almost overwhelming urge to protect them. Maybe it’s because they remind me a lot of myself at their age, filled with the same insecurities and unease. But sometimes I just want to grab them by the shoulders and say, “Hey… look! You’re so much more than you realise. Why can’t you see that?” 

If I had a magic wand, I’d wave it in a heartbeat to give them happiness, calm, confidence, and a good chunk of self-belief. But hey, life isn’t a Harry Potter film, and the cheat codes for emotional growth have yet to be discovered. (Though if anyone finds them, DM me ASAP.) I’ve had to accept that these things only come in their own sweet, excruciatingly slow time - and usually with a side of struggle.

Letting Go (Sort Of) 

Confession Time

Okay, I’ll admit it: I sometimes get frustrated when I offer help, and it’s politely - or not-so-politely - declined. I’m not out here throwing unsolicited advice at random strangers, but when it’s someone I care about, and I genuinely believe my suggestion could help, it’s hard not to feel a little miffed when they don’t even give it a shot.

It’s like, “Just try it! One small step could make such a big difference!” But nope, they won’t. And while I’d love to say I’m 100% selfless, that’s not entirely true (honestly, I don’t think anything is purely selfless). Sure, there’s a bit of ego involved. But mostly, it’s the frustration of watching someone stay stuck in pain when I believe there’s a way out.

The Big (Frustrating) Truth

Here’s what I have to keep reminding myself: It’s their journey, not mine. My role isn’t to fix them - thank goodness, because let’s be real, I’d probably mess it up. My job is to care, to be there when they’re ready, and to gather enough patience to ride this out.

Easy, right? Totally fine. Everything’s fine...😣

The Epiphany

As I’m writing this, letting all these thoughts swirl around in my head, a realisation hits me: What if my need to help others is, in part, tied to proving my own worth? Like, if I can make things better for you, then I’ve justified my value - right?

Ugh, there’s probably more truth to that than I’m willing to admit. Ugh, what is wrong with me! And yeah, I know - I really should give therapy another try (I gave it a shot in 2022, but it was short-lived). Maybe I actually will! New Year, new me and all that!

The deeper truth is that when I was younger, I felt everything so intensely. Every little bad thing felt amplified - like the universe had a personal vendetta against me. So now, when I see someone I care about struggling, I instinctively assume they’re drowning in the same kind of overwhelming pain I once did.

But maybe that’s just my projection talking. Maybe I need to take a step back and trust that they’re more resilient than I give them credit for.

Hmm... I think I need to lie down.

Final Thoughts

Helping someone isn’t about swooping in to save the day. It’s about showing up, even when it’s hard, and trusting they’ll find their way in their own time. As much as it pains me, thanks to my own unresolved issues (😳), I know the best thing I can do is simply be there - patiently waiting for them to take that first step.

…And maybe lie down for a bit.