If life were a school, I’d have graduated with a degree in “How to Screw Up the Small Stuff.” You know, the practical classes - the ones where they teach you how to avoid getting trapped in your own coat, or resist eating an entire advent calendar in one sitting? Yeah, I totally missed those.

If you ask me about money, finance, or building a life of freedom, I’m all in. I’m like a motivational speaker hopped up on espresso. But when it comes to basic life skills? Well… let's just say I must’ve missed the memo.

The Coat Fiasco: A Zipper Nightmare

Recently, I bought a new coat. With the weather getting colder, I thought it would not only keep me warm but also help me look a bit more professional for client meetings. Little did I know, this coat wasn’t just outerwear - it was a trap. Not only did I struggle to zip it up, but by the time I got home, I was completely stuck. Enter Luke, who had to perform a full-scale zip intervention to free me. Seriously, who thought double zips were a good idea? Is this a fashion statement or a test of character? Whatever it is, I failed. Spectacularly.

Chocolate Mayhem: An Advent Calendar Catastrophe

Then there’s chocolate - my holiday nemesis. This year, I boldly bought three advent calendars, thinking surely that would last me until Christmas. Spoiler alert: two were annihilated by December 8th. Those flimsy little cardboard windows didn’t stand a chance against my complete lack of self-control.

Luke gave me one of his classic “I’m not even surprised anymore” looks and said, “Why didn’t you just buy your own chocolate?” Fair point. My logic was that opening the tiny doors would slow me down. Reality check? It didn’t. Instead of inhaling all the chocolate in one sitting, I spread the destruction out over a couple of hours. Progress? Barely.

The kids, of course, followed my lead, raiding the final calendar and proudly shouting, “Mum did it!” Great. Just what I need - mini humans reinforcing my lack of self-control.

Lost in Space (and Directions)

Let’s not even start on my sense of direction. Actually, let’s get into it because it’s truly next level. I'd like to blame my satnav, but the truth is, I’m basically a GPS with no signal. Case in point: during school work experience, I confidently told a friend I was heading to Middlesbrough train station, only for her to point out, “You’re literally walking the wrong way.” Classic.

And my satnav? It doesn’t help. Sure, it’s polite, gently instructing me to “Please turn left,” but then it gets fancy with directions like “Turn half-left” or “Half-right.” I’m sorry - what? Are we doing fractions now? Is this a geometry quiz? Even the satnav seems to have resigned itself to my hopeless navigation skills, probably muttering, “Good luck, you’ll need it” after every route recalculation.

Small Things, Big Disasters

Luke hit the nail on the head when he told me, “You really struggle with the small things in life.” At the time, I had just opened a bottle of prosecco - and exploded it everywhere. Just when I thought I might have things under control, I added a splash of Chambord, gave it a little stir, and suddenly the whole thing foamed up, overflowing my glass and spilling onto my desk. I mean, Luke's not wrong. Sometimes, I’m amazed I’m still here, muddling through everyday life like it’s an extreme sport.

Memory Lane (Or Lack Thereof)

And then there’s my memory - or lack of it. Watch a film with me, and a week later, if you ask what it was about, I’ll stare blankly. My brain checks out halfway through, and I’m left grasping for details. It’s not just films, either. I can barely remember the specifics of places I’ve been. I know I was there, but don’t ask me the name of the street or what I ate. Meanwhile, other people can recount every bite of their lunch and the exact shade of paint on the walls. Me? “Uh, it was a place… with, uh, buildings?… and a vibe? Definitely a vibe.” 

Here’s the weird part, though. I remember completely random stuff from my childhood. Like the time I lost control of my sledge and zoomed off a footpath. Or that one time I paid for a bag of sweets with 50p, and they gave me back my 50p, plus change. I remember thinking someone was testing me. Weird right?

Google Drama: The Breakup We All Needed

Naturally, I turned to Google for answers. Big mistake. I’d ask something simple, like, “What’s wrong with me?” and Google would reply, “EVERYTHING IS WRONG. YOU’RE DOOMED.” Google, chill out! Take a deep breath. Do some positive affirmations. You’ve become way too negative for my liking.

Even simple questions get overly dramatic. I’ll ask, “What’s the weather today?” and Google hits me with, “Catastrophic weather conditions!” Relax, Google. It’s just drizzle, I think you have unresolved issues you need to address.

Moving On: Alexa, Here I Come

So, yeah, Google and I are officially done. It’s been a messy breakup, and I’m moving on. I’m thinking of starting a healthier relationship with Alexa - or, you know, just winging it.

Life: No Manual, No Problem

Here’s the thing about life: it doesn’t come with a manual. If it did, I’m pretty sure I’d have lost it by now anyway. But that’s the beauty of it. We’re all fumbling through, figuring it out as we go, and that’s okay.

So, while I may struggle with zippers, directions, and advent calendars, I’ll stick to what I can do: showing up for the people I love, chasing my passions, and helping others create lives filled with freedom and purpose. Imperfections and all, I’ll keep muddling through - and if you see me looking lost, feel free to point me in the right direction.